The Visit
My husband and I visited J last night. It was great to get to hug and kiss him after waiting 4 months. He looked great - he's gained almost 20 lbs. I spoke with his case manager yesterday before the visit and she was very helpful and nice. She said J was doing very well with his classes and she has noticed a change in him from when he first arrived. He's opening up more. She said he has asked her a number of times about going back to college.
Anyway, I had mentioned to him on the phone on Sunday that I wasn't sure he would be able to come live at home when he was released. For one thing, we're not on a bus line. He said he could ride one of our bikes to the bus stop which is miles away by way of a very dangerous, winding road. I told him we had time to make a decision about that. So, last night we talked about that more. I asked him if his father does give him the $13,000 when he is released, what his plans for it would be. He said he would pay off half of his credit card debt and that he thinks he needs to make it on his own. Just stay here for the first couple of weeks and then move to an apartment. That he needs to stay busy. I asked if a large sum of money would be a trigger for him and he said no. He said that looking back he realizes that when he would go out spending a lot of money on a new phone, clothes, xbox, etc. was a trigger.
He thinks he can get the job back working for his friend's cousin that he had when this happened. He was working 2nd shift 2pm-2am, but there is no bus that goes there.
We talked briefly about drugs and he said that he was doing well before the last month of trouble - that he had been clean for 3 months and then he decided one day to try it again and see if it was like it was in the beginning. He said it was, so he decided to try it the next day to see if it was still good and it was, so the third day he tried it and he didn't get high. I didn't asked him what he tried, but it seems clear that he made a conscious decision to get high. I asked if he had any cravings and he said only for cigarettes. I reminded him that I had quit about 9 weeks ago now and he said "Oh yeah - I forgot - that's great!" A little self-absorbed - wouldn't you say!
I asked him if he feels anxious or depressed. He said that he's not happy all of the time and I said that no one is. He said if he had to lean one way or the other, he'd say that yes he probably has a problem, but that he wouldn't want to take any medicine. I mentioned that I went to a therapist and that now I have found another one that I'll be seeing Monday and that she could see him also when he gets out if he wants to. He said he really didn't want to, but that if I wanted him to then he would. The new therapist asked me if his mental health has been evaluated and I said no. She said that usually people don't become addicts unless there is some type of mental health issue also.
I also asked him if he thinks I did the right thing calling the police and he said yes! I am still traumatized by that and feel that the therapist can help me work through it.
J and his step dad joked around and talked about sports, etc. It was nice to see J smile!
It was a good visit and he is definitely getting better. I liked that he realized that he needs to stay busy and make it on his own. I also realize that we're just beginning - when he is faced with life on the outside - that's the true test!
Gratitude:
J is safe and sober
The sun is shining this morning
My coffee tastes good
Peace and blessings to everyone!!
Vacation and Therapy
We returned late Saturday evening from our trip to Dominican Republic. I felt a little guilty going since it is only 250 miles from the terrible suffering of the Haitian people. I did do the texting thing to contribute monetarily though. Anyway, the trip was very relaxing. The resort was an all-inclusive (including airfare, hotel, food, alcohol, airport transfers) and there were 8 restaurants, two pools and it was on the beach. That is a picture from our room.
The weather was beautiful - 85 degs. Every day was pretty much the same. My husband would go down to the beach and put our towels on a couple of loungers under a thatched roof. If you got down after 9am, there weren't any left.
We would then go jogging on the beach - head back to the room for a quick shower - on to breakfast - down to the beach to lay out and I would usually read and/or people watch and take a daily walk on the beach. There are a mixture of European, Russian, Canadian, and American people that go there. Women are allowed to go topless, although not too many do. My husband and I would hold hands while walking and if one of us spotted someone, we'd squeeze the other's hand. It was a fun game for him!
As far as the therapist goes, I saw him right before we left for the trip and most of the hour was spent with me giving him background on the trouble that J's gotten into through the last few years. My initial impression of him was that he thinks very highly of himself and his knowledge. In so many words, at one point, he said that since he's been doing this for 30 years that he knows everything. At that point, I told him that how I have been handling and intend to continue handling this situation is to research via internet, read books, continue with my blog and reading as many other's as I can, to find either an al-anon or naranon group and also to talk to a therapist and to take from each what resonates with me, because I don't think any one person or source has all of the answers. I think he got my point.
I have had experience with 2 therapists during my first marriage for marital counseling and 1 therapist during the early stages of marriage to my current husband and I took my son when he was 6 years old to a psychologist for 1 year when he was 6 years old because my ex-husband was trying to obtain custody during that period. Generally, I feel that talking with close friends has been the best therapy for me.
Last night my husband and I went to see this therapist again and I'm still not sure about whether we click. At one point I started to tear up and he asked me what I was feeling. I told him sadness and asked "Wouldn't you be sad if your child had just gotten out of jail, was in rehab, and a drug addict." He didn't answer me, but continued to stare at me, so I just stared back. Finally, he said "I get the impression that you don't have a problem being assertive with people in general, except for 1" (meaning my son) and I said that I didn't. I tried to explain that I am assertive with J, but I am compassionate also. It is only $20 per session to see him through insurance, but I'm thinking about seeing a lady psychologist who is not covered through our insurance, but she said she would only charge $70 per session (which is still a lot), but she is a psychologist who specializes in addiction and the other therapist is a social worker/counselor.
Gratitude:
J is safe and sober
We finally get to see J Wednesday evening for an hour
I have another job interview next week
P.S. I've read everyone's blogs, but just haven't had time to comment yet!
Contraband
J called yesterday and immediately I was on alert because the usual recording, "This is a call from an inmate etc." didn't play and he said he was calling from his case manager's desk. He started his conversation by saying that the rehab had done a search and found food in his and 27 other "resident's" lockers. Since that is against the rules, he can't make any phone calls for 1 week, no visitors for 2 weeks, and has to wear an orange jumpsuit for 1 week. He asked me to call his girlfriend and let her know - I said I would.
I don't get it - he's allowed to have 2nd helpings of food and he has to break that rule! At first, when he said a search I was thinking the worst - they found drugs. When I told my husband he was angry at first and then he was joking about it - Mommy I got caught with snacks and now I have to wear this ugly jumpsuit - boo hoo!!
The phone call to his girlfriend was enlightening. When I mentioned J messing up with the paperwork for our visit, she said, "He complains about being bored - but can't get the paperwork to you on time - I guess he's playing too much ping pong - he told me to just wait until he's out - he'll beat me at ping pong!"
She also mentioned that she saw him right before Christmas for 2 hours, which I knew nothing about. She said at the last minute they were allowed to have someone visit for Christmas and the person didn't have to fill out any paperwork. Now it makes since as to why he wanted his step-father and I to visit rather than his girlfriend and I. I'm assuming the visit was before I arrived home from my trip Christmas Eve.
She went on to say that the last time she drank was New Year's Eve and that even though J has told her that she can drink - smoke pot - and he won't, that she told him that he's more important to her than doing those things. She said she gets the impression that he may still want to drink - I told her that he may not have the money for that - since he'll most likely not be living here and will have to support himself.
His father, who lives in Texas, told him that he would give him the money that his grandfather set aside years ago to help J with college, $13,000, when he is released. He currently has $9,000 in credit card debt. Oh well, we'll see.
The blinders are gradually being removed from my eyes! I may have to rename my blog, "Eyes Opened by love for J"!
Upset
J called me Saturday evening to apologize for his paperwork oversight relating to our visit. He sounded very uptight again, so I asked him how he was feeling. He said depressed. He said you don't know what I am going through in here. The last time we spoke he said his girlfriend's cell phone was turned off (permanently) and he wanted me to call her home phone while he was waiting to see what was going on. I agreed and she answered. She said to have him call her father's cell phone. Anyway, Saturday evening he said he couldn't understand why she didn't call me so that I could let J know the next time I spoke with him. I hate to see him hurt, so instead of doing the right thing (saying nothing), I said "You can't expect her to wait for you" and at that point he said he didn't want to talk about it.
He gave me more detail as to what it was like there. They aren't allowed to go on their bunk bed to read and that the community room is always loud, with the T.V. blaring, and people being paged on the loud speaker constantly. I know that anxiety/depression runs in my family and I had never thought that J had that problem, but am beginning to realize that it could be a large part of his problem. Recently, I was thinking his anxiety stemmed from the drug use or lack of drug use, but it may have nothing to do with that.
During our conversation, I tried to make him feel better by reminding him that he gets out at the end of March, but it didn't seem to help. I feel badly that I contributed to making him feel worse by most likely reinforcing what he was already worried about - his girlfriend not waiting for him. I also have been thinking about when he does get out - what the right things to say/do are and realized that I need to talk to someone. Every time I try to talk to my husband about it, he tries to fix it and interrupts me at some point with his opinions etc. I explain to him that sometimes I just want to vent and have someone listen and perhaps reassure me and he said, "I thought this was a two-way conversation". He said that J need to hear me say "Buck up and be a man".
I made an appointment with a social worker/counselor that specializes in addiction and family issues. I go on Friday. I know that God is watching over J and that I don't need to be worried, but God gave me a brain and I realize I need more guidance.
Also, I wanted to thank everyone for their last comments about me seeming to have balance in my life. That made me feel good and I truly appreciate all of you!
Disappointment
My husband and I went up to visit J for the first time in over a month and were told that he was supposed to send us a form to fill out and send back before we could visit. Basically, we now have to wait until Wednesday because we didn't get the forms soon enough. Hopefully, a lesson learned for him. I know he was looking forward to the visit also.
I scheduled the trip for my husband and I to go to Dominican Republic. We leave next Saturday for one week. That is where we went last January (actually the same week) after we got married (the second time). He said he was interested in going somewhere hot and cheap. I told him it sounded like the requirements for the perfect woman (he enjoyed that comment - that's guy humor)!
I've recently taken on the role of being an assistant organizer for my hiking club and the social club. I'm excited because I planned an 8 mile hike at the end of the month and have had a huge response. I also planned some fun events for the social club, i.e., going to an art show that has over 200 artists' work displayed, going to the horse races and they also have a fun band for dancing, and going to hear a live band/dancing. I've had great response to these also.
I'm taking a test next week to become a census worker. Since the job lasts for a couple of months and is somewhat flexible, I thought it might work out well for me.
We had a snowfall of about 6 inches and it's beautiful!
Gratitude:
J is safe and sober
Smoke-free for 7 weeks
Snow
Prescription Pills: The new drug of choice for teens
This article was on MSN's homepage today. They gave an 18 year old high school student 5 years in prison for distributing oxy. How sad for everyone.
Prescription Pills: The new drug of choice for teens:
http://health.msn.com/medications/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100247883&page=1
J called me on the 31st after I had already posted on my blog. He sounded on edge, probably because it was his birthday and New Year's Eve (everyone was going out to have fun). He asked me if I knew of any decent jobs (so he wouldn't have to take just any job) for him when he is released at the end of March. The residents at the rehab are not discharged until they have a job or are in school. It seemed like an odd question. Sometimes, I think he thinks that I know everything (did that make sense?). He said that he has a lot of free time there because the classes only last 2 hours per day.
He wants to go back to school since he only went for one semester right out of high school. I asked him if he could do some research on the internet to decide what he wants to take in school and he said he doesn't think you can use the internet until you've been there three months. He said there is a guy there whose wife mails him school work for online college and he mails it back to her.
I have always been the one in the past to make suggestions, give reminders and research information for/to my son and realize now that was detrimental. I want to be here as support for him and as we all know, its a fine line between support and enabling. I know that some of you allow your son/daughter to live with you and others feel that is not the thing to do. Since my son won't be able to drive for at least 6 months after he is released, he will need to live on a bus line and even then, the bus doesn't go everywhere (probation appts., etc.) that he will need to go. I know that is his problem.
J said he wants his step-father and I to visit this Saturday, since he's only allowed two people per week. I was surprised he didn't want his girlfriend, but I didn't comment on it.
I am in the process of planning another trip for February, but this one for my husband and I to go on. We usually go somewhere once a year together and I'm thinking this time we could go on a cruise on the coast of South America that hits Argentina, Brazil and Uruguay. I sometimes feel a little guilty for the amount of travel that I'm doing recently, but then I remember the hair color commercial - "I'm worth it"!
Gratitude:
Tears
Sleep
